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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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So, I sit down, trying to chill. But then, this group of tourists comes in, loud as heck. They’re taking selfies, blocking the whole place. I’m trying to write my notes, and they’re like, “Look at this cute café!” I’m thinking, “Yeah, but you’re ruining it!”

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